today a customer asked me for a “medium whatever” and then got frustrated with me when i asked him what he meant
this is it
this is the post that 100% accurately describes working with the public
- (Walking out to applause.) ”That’s very nice. I hope somebody does that for you someday.”
- "I hope you had a good day. That’s all I can do about it, is hope."
- "I got a white noise machine. You know what that is? It’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night."
- "Americans shouldn’t say, ‘I am hungry.’ They should say, ‘I feel hungry.’ …Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have third world hunger. I have first world hunger. I want a donut.”
- "I went to my daughter’s play the other day. …There is no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when your child’s play is over."
- "I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think men are worse than women."
- "Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God, but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re going to get. You die, and you’re like ‘Hey God!’ And He’s like, ‘Yup?’ And you’re like ‘Where’s Heaven?’ And He’s like, ‘I don’t know who’s telling people that! (Beat.) I’m supposed to make a universe, and then a whole amazing place afterwards? You guys are greedy dicks down there!”
- "We didn’t give women the vote (in the U.S.) until 1920. …That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building older than American democracy. women have had a rough time. It was so okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it. There’s a piece of clothing in our culture affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife, and for some reason this is offensive to nobody.”
I only have 4 moods:
- fuck this
- fuck that
- fuck me
- fuck you